Mommy has a Baby in her Tummy

My 4 year old daughter was delighted to find out that mommy has a baby in her tummy. For the past year and a half she has been asking for a baby sister. Not a baby brother, but a baby sister. And mommy has made it VERY clear that there will be no baby in mommy's tummy ever!

Well, looks like the 4 year old wins again cause mommy does in indeed have a baby in her tummy.

I woke this morning from a dream where I had decided I was going to be a famous dancer. I had high heels on and a flashy dress and I could do the splits. I also had a dream that I went to an outdoor skating rink and put on a pair of skates for the first time in 7 years and I could skate like Brian Orser. I think I am taking too many vitamins!! Vitamin B6, in particular, actually increases dream vividness and dream recall. It also aids in hormone regulation so I am taking loads of it to ward of morning sickness and breast pain which are simply side of effects of raging hormones in the first trimester of pregnancy. And hey, for those of you who are not pregnant, vitamin B6 has also been shown to alleviate some of the symptoms of a hangover. Perhaps due to it's mild diuretic effect.

So am I thrilled to pregnant? Honestly and truthfully - not really! Will I make it work anyway? Of course I will because that's what I always do.

My daugther is now 4 1/2 and my step-son 5. I feel like freedom is so close I can taste it. I just started training 6 weeks ago to be in the best physical shape of my life. I also promised myself I would sign up for private dance lessons at Fred Astaire Dance Studio in the spring. I wanted to travel more. I was working on setting up another business in the next 4 weeks, and I was working towards having some money for once in my life. Am I being selfish? Yes, perhpas I am! But we all have the right to that once in a while.

As a child I worked hard to help raise my younger brother. He was 6 years my junior. My step-father, and biological father for that matter, were raging alcoholics and my mother worked very hard and spent little time at home so she could avoid the whole situation. As a result, I took over the role of cleaning, taking care of my brother and prepping the meat and vegetables for whatever it was my mother was going to make for dinner each night. I had a set routine. I changed everyone's bed sheets and did the vacuuming on Thursdays. I did laundry on Fridays and I cleaned bathrooms on Saturdays. When I was 16 I started my first "real" job. I worked in a bar. A rather mature job for a 16 year old. I worked almost every night until 2:00 a.m. during the summer and during the school year I worked only Friday and Saturdays. That job was short lived as I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by the manager of the bar at the time who was a sick fucking asshole. I gained up enough courage to leave (something like an abusive relationship I guess....hard to leave for some reason) when my next school year started. I used school as an excuse to leave and much to my suprise, Steve Canadian, the manager, let me go. I immediately got hired at the convenient store in my country town. I was the youngest person on staff but soon earned myself all of the responsibilities of assistant manager but without the pay associated with it (well, to be fair I did receive a large Christmas bonus that no one else received). I loved that job. I worked hard and I had the freedom to organize things the way I saw fit. I worked at least 24 hours a week and on weekends I would work 4:00 p.m to 12:00 a.m. on Friday night and then return on Saturday morning at 5:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. I didn't complain though - I loved it.

On the last day of high school I moved to the big city to attend University. I lived with my aunt and uncle. I went to school full-time and worked full-time. I was determined to buy a house of my own. I graduated University in January 1999 and I bought my first house in February 1999. I was 22 years old. That sounds like quite an accomplishment I know. And it was. But with big accomplishment comes big responsibility. I took care of my little condo townhouse, I sat on the board of directors for the condominium corporation and I nominated myself to be in charge of maintaining the grounds for one summer. That did not last as I suck at yard work. That is why I bought a condo in the first place. Silly me. What was I thinking?

In the beginning I owned my own fitness business. I was a personal trainer and group fitness instructor during the day and I waitressed at night. Both of which I loved as well. I worked diligently to obtain a job in my field - criminology. I was hired with the City Police 3 months after University graduation to work as a youth social worker. I maintained my fitness business during the day and worked nights with the police. I loved that too. I excelled as a youth worker and made quite a name for myself among my clients and among policy makers. I was offered several other contract positions for crime prevention projects accross the city which I graciously accepted.

Many other events unravelled over the coming years and then at age 28 I became pregnant. Not the greatest news I could have received since the father was an illegal immigrant working at my favorite restaurant as a cashier for cash under the table. The birth of that baby girl was, and still is, the best thing that has ever happened to me. It did not come without pain and challenge though. Her father was deported when she was 6 months old and much drama and chaos ensued as a result of some of my choices and decisions at the time.

Anyway, here I am again. Pregnant. I am in a better place now. My daughter has taught me to respect myself. I know that children learn by example and I certainly don't want to raise a girl with little self respect. For if we do not respect ourselves how can we can expect others to respect us. I also gained a ton of confidence by having her and she shows me who I am on a daily basis by being a perfect little reflection of me.

In conclusion, I struggle with the thought of another child simply because I want my freedom. I am not sure I would even take advantage of it if I had it though. I always wish for time off from work but after 2 days I am begging to get back to it. I love my life and the work I do. Sure I get frustrated sometimes and the stress is sometimes unbearable but the bottom line is I am happy with what I do othewise I would change it.

I will love my new baby more than life itself I am sure, but I have to admit, from a selfish point of view if you want to call it that, I am sad that some of my dreams will now be put on hold again and I have much to sacrifice in the coming years.

I also know that the Universe will only give me what I can handle and I am a strong believer in the philosophy of destiny. It was my choice to leave birth control in the hands of my husband so I have therefore created this destiny....which I believe was already pre-destined anyway.

So here I am 6 weeks pregnant deciding what craft to make with my 4 year old daughter today. No dance lessons and no figure skating on my schedule for today so crafts will have to do!

My time to 'play' will come...