Throwing all Caution to the Wind

Throwing all caution to the wind may be a liberating and empowering experience once in a while but I just woke from a dream with a very strong message about, perhaps, my own addiction to throwing caution to the wind.  Odd that it comes after having a string of discussions with people who really care about me about this exact issue.  In many ways I am a very self disciplined, rigid person with a strong sense of right and wrong; however, in other ways, usually financial ones, I tend to throw all caution to the wind and go for it anyway, despite the long term consequesnce or negative impact that spending may have on my life.  I go for the immediate gratitude and let the rest fly away.

I had a dream tonight that I was at some sort of party.  I new some of the people there.  At the entrance of this special party you purchase a type of drug that apparently makes you stay up and have the party of your life for three days straight.  The only problem is you won't remember a damn thing about that party because you will have been in some sort of blackout that prohibits you from remembering what you did.  At the entrance of this particular party the woman selling the drugs was my insurance lady.  Indeed, in real life she is my insurance lady but she is also more than that.  I have known her for over 15 years.  She helped me launch my first business and she is quite a bit older than me so I sort of trust her to take care of my best interests, especially in instances where age and wisdom set precedent over mine.  In my dream, I bought the drugs from her and in her usual loving tone she said "have fun, sweetie."  I suppose I did, but of course when the party was over I couldn't remember anything but I did feel remarkably energized and free of stress when the party was over.  On my way out they (my insurance lady included) were advertising for another hit of these drugs for another three day party.  Someone I know who had attended the first drug induced party with me, who at least from outward appearances, looks like a rebel decided to call it quits.  She conceded that she had tried it once but was not willing to risk it again.  I, on the other hand, decided to go for it again without putting any thought into what another three days of partying and doing drugs would really mean.  This is a rather odd dream for me, by the way, because I have never done drugs nor have I ever partied for three days straight.

In life, most people, even those who care about you, likely won't say anything when they see you throwing caution to the wind because, after all, it has little to do with the outcome of their own lives and likely won't have any significant consequence for them.  In fact, they will often encourage it or egg you on maybe because they get to live vicariously through you and through the crazy stories about the journey but not have to be impacted by it themselves.  This happens to me all of the time, in fact.  People even congratulate me on my apparently brave ("brave| has become synonymous with "crazy" in my life) choices and encourage me to keep it up when in reality those decisions will have ill effects on my life.

In my dream, in front of everyone, I decided to purchase another hit of these drugs.  I chose the most potent one because my usual life motto is "go big or go home".  I have been the type to take it all the way or not even bother at all.  But then, for some strange reason, I stopped.  My rational mind kicked in and decided it was probably silly to party it up in oblivion for three more days.  I mean, whatever the type of drug it was implicitly dangerous.  So for whatever reason I changed my mind that day.  As I was leaving the party, my insurance lady drug saleswoman remarked "Well, that's probably a good idea Nat, because this one is known as 'suicide'".  Literally, people were known to commit suicide after their three day party binge..  I walked away calmly but was appalled at the fact that this woman who supposedly cared about my well being didn't even bat an eyelash at the fact that I was buying the suicide drug and was quick to sell it to the next taker. 

I woke up after that and the message was so clear to me.  I have been saying for a while now that my current way of doing things no longer works for me.  It no longer serves me as it once may have.  I am working on radically changing many aspects of my life at the moment.  I have, however, chosen to do things more slowly and more calculated than usual, this time though.  I had to write this down because I must remember to think next time before throwing caution to the wind.  I may be famous for it but I won't let it define me.  Redefining myself time and time again actually brings me more freedom and liberation.  I am reminded that I have control over who I am and what I choose to do with myself.  This time I will do things differently.  This time I will be the super hero because I made the plain old boring choices that, in my mind, lack excitement and risk, but I will end up stronger and more powerful in the end and isn't the end when we tally the score anyway?