Today I Cried

It's well after twelve noon and I'm still in my jammies.  I can't remember the last time I did that - stayed in my jammies for 1/2 the day.  Actually, I can.  It was in my early twenties when I lived in my first house alone.  About twice a year I wouldn't so anything on a Sunday but stay in my jammies and watch old Bollywood movies on Omni TV.  That would recharge my battery for the next 6 months or so while I proceeded to work 16 hour days at several different jobs.  Don't get me wrong.  I chose to work that much.  I loved every minute of it. 

Then somewhere along the way I had a child, got kind of married, lost my kind of husband to deportation (don't get me wrong on that either, loving every minute of that too :), started up, bought and sold many businesses, got married again (for real this time), bought and sold many houses, had more kids, fell in love a few times, fell out of love a few times, had my heart broken a few times, broke a few hearts a few times...and the journey just keeps going.

But today is different.  Today, I am changing directions.  Of course, the path of life only moves forward whether you want to go that way or not.  So I am moving forward, of course, but I guess you could say I've chosen to pursue the other fork in the road this time.

In my jammies, I sat on my new front porch, on my new patio set and created a budget for the first time in my adult life.  I have always done quite well for myself so I felt I could just live care freely when it came to money.  Perhaps I still can, but it's not the responsible thing to do.  I hate the word responsibility.  To me it almost always translates into stress.  But that's not true.  Living on a budget should, in fact, make life less stressful (I'll let you know because today is only day one) and living by some sort of rules, like a budget, might actually allow for more freedom.  You think?  I think.  Or at least I'm willing to give it a try.

After spending more than 2 hours at the computer working on financial stuff for two of my businesses, marketing for one of my businesses, and organizing my new personal budget I decided to make cookies in anticipation of my kids coming home from Daddy's house tomorrow.  I felt on top of the world.  Still in my jammies, music cranked, and cookies on the stove I began to cry, and cry.  I couldn't pinpoint exactly why though.

So I turned to a page in one of my favorite books by Iyanla Vanzant to try to figure it out.  Here is what she writes:

Throughout our many experiences in life, we cry different kinds of tears.  What we are probably not aware of is that each type of tear emanates from a specific place in the body, and that each type has certain distinct characteristics...What we are probably less conscious of is that each tear, regardless of its origin, or its effect, contains a seed of healing.

Angry tears spill forth from the outside corner of the eye, making them easier to wipe away as they come at unexpected moments and inappropriate times...Angry tears create heat and stiffness in the body, because when we are angry, we usually don't know how to express what we feel...

Sad tears spill forth from the inside corner of the eye, finding their way across our nose, cheeks, and lips...and the things that bring them forth are usually the bitter experiences in life.  Sad tears come from the heart.  They usually bring a bending of the shoulders and a drooping of the head.

Frightened tears take up the entire eye, clouding our vision, as fear will do...They spill over the whole face.  Frightened tears come from the soles of the feet.  They shoot through the body and create trembling or shaking.

Then there are shame-filled tears, which fall when we are alone with our thoughts and feelings.  Shame-filled tears come when we're judging ourselves, criticizing others, or beating up on ourselves for something purely human that we have done yet can't explain to ourselves to others.  Shame-filled tears come from the pit of the stomach and usually cause us to bend over - not in pain, but in anguish. 

Combination tears are the worst tears of all.  They are filled with anger and sadness, with fear and shame.  They have a devastating effect on the body, bringing the stiffness of anger, the drooping of sadness, the trembling of fear, and bending of shame.  They make you cold when you are hot.  They make you tremble when you are trying to keep still.  Most of all, they make you nauseated.

...Through our tears, we get in touch with those experiences that we have forgotten, hidden, or buried away in the pit of our souls...

So this Sunday afternoon, I stood over my cookies crying combination tears.  The worst kind.  Anger towards those that have recently hurt me, even though I know it wasn't intentional.  Sadness, that what I always dreamed of happening at my house was happening at that very moment but I was not there to witness it. Fear crept up from the soles of my feet that made me think perhaps I haven't figured shit out at all and have chosen the wrong path.  Shame-filled tears caused me to brace myself on the stove because I felt silly for doubting my choices and my path in life.  There was so much more than that but that's all I can put into words.  It was, and is, definitely a much needed cleansing.  In hindsight, I should have chosen to do a Spring nutritional cleanse. That would have been much easier ;)

Today my kids are outside in the sun, jumping on the trampoline at the house that I used to live in.  I picked that house, and the trampoline because all I ever wanted was for my kids to play outside in the summer sun and for me to have the patience and sanity to join them.  All I ever wanted was for my husband to leave the cave, otherwise known as the basement, and come and play with us and show some enthusiasm on the weekends.  I'm sure my memory is clouded, but all I can remember is struggling with my kids to get off their Apple gadgets and get outside and play.  I can only remember stressing about all of the things around the house that needed to be done and not having the time or energy to jump on the trampoline or swim in the pool with them.  And all I can remember feeling was resentment.

On the other hand, I am so grateful for my pyjama day and the pure freedom I have to choose whatever it is I will do today, even if that's nothing.  I am grateful for my health, my smarts and my ability to find the good in everyone and everything.  I am grateful that my kids are healthy and thriving.  I am grateful for my new house and my new truck.  I am so grateful for the wonderful businesses I own and all of the wonderful women (and the few men) who work for me so loyally all of these years.  I am grateful, most of all, for the ability to do anything I want to do in life.  I don't have a single thing that stands in the way of me being able to do anything my mind can dream up.  And yet, I have a small  fear that I could lose all of that.

Today I cried for the woman I want to be and prayed that through the tears I would find the courage to celebrate the lessons I have lived through, grown through, and learned through.  The lessons that brought me to this place in life.  And at this moment, this place in life is right where I need to be.  It's perfect.