Journey Continued - Theft of my Identity

So this week's yogic philosophy was Asteya, meaning non-stealing.  Of course we all know not to steal stuff from stores, hot wire cars or bootleg liquor but there are many instances in which many of us still continue to "steal".  For example, many people steal time from work by Facebooking on company time, planning personal events and carrying on personal conversations on the phone while at work.  Sometimes we steal people's time by being late and making them wait or we steal people's energy by dumping our emotional baggage/issues onto them.  It took me some time to come up with something that I steal but I came up with two things.  The first is an outright theft that I personally commit and the second is my allowing others to steal from me.  I have always said that you can't be oppressed unless you let someone oppress you and people will only disrespect you if you show them you don't respect yourself.  Therefore, if someone steals your energy, steals your passion, or works to oppress the real you then it's because you allowed  them to steal from you.

The first, and only (I think), theft that I commit is stealing the spotlight.  I love to be the centre of attention and I feel more at ease when addressing a large group versus speaking to someone one-on-one.  As a result, when I go to any social function, luncheon, dinner party, etc. I often dominate the conversation so that I am the centre of attention.  This allows me to be comfortable as it shifts from casual one-on-one conversations to the whole place staring at me listening to my funny stories.  I love to tell stories and people generally enjoy them but I don't think it's fair to the others to take over the entire conversation at all times.  Over the past few weeks I have challenged myself to be a better listener rather than always speaking. I have learned that it's fun to listen to others and there is so much to learn about them when they are given a chance to share their stories.  I was astounded at what I didn't know about people I have known for a long time because I never gave them the chance to speak.  And more importantly I could see how great people felt to share something about themselves with me.  I am, by nature, a very caring and compassionate person.  I was a social worker for six years after all.  I realized that people like to share with me because it builds our bond and creates a deeper level of comfort.  I am 100% confident that I will build better friendships by embracing my new philosophy of listening rather than stealing the spotlight.

The second offense I came up with is something I have struggled with for a long time.  When I gave birth to my daughter I was a single mother.  I have very little fear in life but I had one very strong fear that if I didn't take care of my daughter by myself 100% of the time, in the future someone would say something like "well she couldn't do it on her own, I had to help her all of the time".  There is nothing I can't do on my own!  (That's another issue I might need to work on) and hell if I was ever going to let those words escape from anyone's mouth in relation to me.  I took care of my daughter and when I couldn't I hired someone.  I never asked for help nor allowed someone to take care of her for free.  By completing immersing myself into motherhood I sort of forgot about me.  I still worked and did the things I had to do but outside of that I did nothing social.  I had this idea, and still have a little bit, that once you are a mother you have to give up a lot of what you used to do.  It's not like I was a wild crazy party girl before but I did enjoy a night out once in a while.  Since having children I have never had a drop of alcohol, never done a single silly irresponsible thing, and limited my exploration of new things substantially.  I am now married and my husband makes a point of connecting with his friends every couple of weeks to go out to the movies because that is what he enjoys.  If someone asks for his help with something he goes.  I, on the other hand, never ever ever went anywhere with anyone for many years.  As one can imagine this started to wear on me a bit.  I felt like my children (I have 2 now)  had "sucked the life out of me".  I felt like it took every ounce of me to meet all of their demands and that to be a good mother I must make the perfect loot bags for every special occasion and bake the perfect fancy cupcakes for the class on their birthdays and have endless patience for them, and most importantly I must do this all on my own.  I have failed miserably in that department.  But you know what?  My kids don't care.  They love me just the same and as long as they are loved and have food in their tummies they are pretty happy.  And, it totally benefits them to be taken care of by others once in a while.  They learn new things, become more adaptable and build a sense of independence away from mommy.

Today, for example, my daughter had to do a presentation on Seychelles.  It's a country in case you've never heard of it.  The students were asked to do something creative.  We decided she would stand up and tell the class a little bit about the country and then feed them a common dessert from that country that I woke up early this morning to make.  When I picked her up after school I saw that most kid's mothers baked something but that they had also put together a PowerPoint presentation (this is grade 2 by the way) or created a colourful bristol board displaying the flag, pictures, etc. of the country.  For a split second I felt crappy that my kid didn't do a bristol board but then I asked my daughter how her presentation went and she said great.  Not once did she mention that all of the other moms had made a bristol board (because let's face it the kids didn't do that fancy work themselves).  She didn't even notice.  She learned some interesting facts, indulged in some great treats and had fun sharing.  She could not have cared less about the silly bristol board.  And frankly, I just didn't have time to make a fancy bristol board to impress the other mothers because I was at pole dancing lessons.  Yes, that's right.  I was out exploring something new that I thoroughly enjoy - pole dancing. 

I want to enjoy my kids, not resent them.  The more I get out and do the things I love the better mom I am.  When I have taken time to be who I am, besides a mother, I am more patient and I don't mind waking up early to make a Seychelles dessert.  I chose to have kids and I chose to let my identity be stolen by motherhood. But not anymore.  I am not just a mother.  I am a very strong woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a business owner, a friend, an employer, a fitness enthusiast, a pole dancer, a yogini, and a damn great karaoke singer.  It is actually possible to be everything you want to be.